hopegnostic

I’ve been seeing a counselor (comments to self, please).
I’ve done this before (again, no comment needed) but I tire easily because I don’t understand why they get $$ for a 50 minute hour and only ever seem to offer, ‘and how does that make you feel?’ [my girlfriends at least offer wine with that, FOR FREE]
(TANGENT ALERT)
‘Well, Bob, it makes me feel like taking a tire iron and bashing their useless head in’.
‘Oh’, says Bob, ‘And how does THAT make you feel?’
‘Bob, I’ll be right back, I need to get something from my trunk.’


So, I’ve been seeing AnotherBob.
And I learned something about me this time.
I have an addiction.
It is hope.
It’s not HealthyHope. It’s sickhope.

It’s the one that makes you stay when you shouldn’t.
It’s the one that makes you justify something that is unjustifiable.
It’s the one that makes you crazy and end up hating yourself.
It’s the one that causes you to believe something that is unbelievable.
And you put your sickhope glasses on every time your start to see or sense something in someone, or something, that you don’t want to know/deal with/believe.

And then you run/breathe/work/live like you can call it into being – by sheer will.

Trust me:You Cant.

My BFF, Karen, has a beautiful life altering mantra:
No expectations, No disappointments.

(TANGENT ALERT)
Another friend of mine holds to the sentiment: Under Promise Over Deliver – unfortunately what that really translates to in that particular life is Never Promise Never Deliver – lonely, but safe.

I’ve thought about pursuing Karen’s line of reasoning but I have the same trouble with it that I do with fasting (which is why I don’t): I become so obsessed with not eating, that I forget why I’m not, and what I’m to be doing with that space in my life.
The more I focus on expecting nothing, the more my focus moves to what I expect – which, OF COURSE, increases my disappointment… over stuff I shouldn’t be counting on from another human. (which is a crock for another blog).

So I decided that I was going to be Hopegnostic – I won’t believe or disbelieve in Hope. And I will step aside and appreciate another’s pursuit of it, or not.
(and yes I realize that it’s sickhope I should do away with not HealthyHope: think baby/bathwater.

So, I walk through my kitchen this morning, tidying up from the beautiful chaos of a school morning, and see a little black square on the floor beside the fridge.
It’s a teensy tiny magnet from a magnet poetry set we like to have fun with…
I turn it over:












and I know, without a shadow of a doubt:
I’m not ready to.

Life Rocks.

Oh my Goodness – it’s been forEVer!
I am back from Costa (duh), and in the new house – this new house that represents hope, promise and a future.
We have moved from Egypt to Canaan.
My boys are the bravest men around. Especially Henry. He is 14. Entering high school.
He has made this move without one grumble. One complaint. One negative word. One iota of crappy attitude.
He has left the land of everything he has known for 6 years… which is a world of years when you are only 14.




Henry reminds me of my dad. Strong. Silent. Dangerous. Thoughtful. Proud. Good.
Henry, like my dad, is deeply good.
(and unlike my dad, has all his teeth)






Right now – right at this minute: Harry Potter blasting from TV, laundry set to tumbling, school in the ‘morrow, nail in tire and an empty tank of gas, life rocks.

Woodrow – be good to my son.
God – be good to my son.
Life – be good to my son.
Love – be good to my son.
Sorrow – be done with my son.

kate

Mission Trip:Costa

July 20 and then some

Headed for bed – but not before I tell you about the most arrogant position I’ve even taken, and the broken humility that came on its heels.

………

I wrote that sentence 2 days ago. It is now July 22.

I have sweat and re sweat and then sweat again.

I have built cinderblock footings, moved concrete and mounds&mounds of dirt.

Today I’m going out with the medical team into the villages. They are taking medical surveys for the clinic that we are building. Two days Drew made a visit. Last night, one of the Drs on the trip told me he had followed up with the child and mom and that Drew had saved that child’s life. Not heroic measures, but with water and Tylenol.

10 of thousands of people die daily, all over the world, due to a lack of fresh water.

10 billion dollars would supply fresh water.

That’s what American’s spend on ice cream each year.

Americans spent 600,000 billion on Christmas each year.

We are 5% of the world population and consume 40% of the world’s resources.

And here is the point I started on July 20.

And then I bring my fat, free voting, Christian, American butt over to save the day.

One small matter of fact, on top of all that: I haven’t had the common decency to learn their language before I swoop in to save the day.

The mighty American. What a crock.

And so, I break my back over a ditch. Lay tile as beautifully as I can. Sand down school desks and pray over each one. Hoist cinderblocks over rebar, and wonder, all the while… Will this change me.

I want to be changed.

Please God.

Change me.

Cuan Grande es Dios.

Mission Trip:Costa Rica

Sunday, July 18 and then some

I hear monkeys! And I’m not talking about about Tova and Phil HA! Actual monkeys. They do a groan/bark thing. How WEIRD is that??

I have to tell you – Tova sat in with our little small group tonight. She was talking about God, and what God has given each girl. She told the girls how beautiful they were, inside and out. She told them that God has blessed them and they need to know it and do it.

I started thinking about my small groups, and Sunday school classes growing up. I was a TOTAL misfit – not bad – just the wrong fit.

I remember my Sunday school teacher – I guess I was in Jr High ish. She was really together, beautiful, demure, organized, holy and whatever else. I know she meant well – REALLY well – but the message I heard Sunday/Wednesday after Sunday/Wednesday after Sunday/Wednesday was that if I wasn’t quiet and demure: translate: monovanilla – I wasn’t really a good fit as a Christian girl.

Now there’s NO WAY she could have meant for me to hear that (giving her benefit of the doubt) but that’s what I heard.

MAN O MAN did I spend a years trying to fit in with her ideas!! One year I even signed yearbooks as ‘God’s Handmaiden’!!! Can you believe it???? Ick. Blach. Gag me!

As I listened to Tova I thought: What if SHE had been my mentor, leader, teacher? Loving who I was, the heart of me. Seeing it and applauding God in me. Imagine – all the goofy, singing, dramatic, insecure, hopeful, confused, boy crazy, struggling, loving little bits of me being adored by someone who was convinced that God knew what He was doing when He dreamed me up.

These girls and guys are blessed to be in her care. Her momma heart is big. Way bigger than her body – though not big as her laugh.

Time for bed now.

I want to dream about the will of God tonight. Not a ‘what is the will of God for my life’ dream, but I want God to appear to me and tell me if there really is just one will per life.

One.

And if you don’t hit it square in the eye, you’re sunk.

Now, there is a LOT about that thinking that would play well with my life, but I really have doubts about it being the heart of God at work.

Monday July 19

I have no more finger prints.

My back is shot.

My knees are swollen.

It’s very pretty.

Going to dinner, then worship, then bed.

Cuan Grande es Dios, and mi booboo’s.

Mission Trip:Costa Rica

Saturday July 17, and then some:

First of all, I guess I was the last to know that you could GO to Costa Rica and NOT see a beach. Up until 20 minutes before I got to DFW

I thought I was ‘giving of myself’ at, on or near sand and water.

If I sit very still I can feel a little briar patch creeping up around my we-are-the-world heart.

I am currently sitting in DFW waiting for my flight.

International travel being what it is, I have DAYS to poke around the shops. The bookstores are always my favorite. I found a book called, ‘How to Change Someone You Love’.

I called my boyfriend immediately. I knew he would be just as excited as me. I told him he could read it when I’m done.

Next, I spy with my little eye, a ‘Green’ bible. Really?

Then I wandered to Ben and Jerry’s. I found the perfect flavor, asked for a single/small cone. I was told that their small cones come with 2 scoops. GREAT! How cool!! That’s so customer servicy, so Ying & Yang, which is just so Ben & Jerry! So I picked my #2 flavor and slid over to the cash register. I noticed the cash register had a message on its read out screen. W

e are

accustomed to the innocuous ‘Have a Nice Day’, but Mr.’s Ben and Jerry take every opportunity to make a statement. This message read, ‘Have a Euphoric Day’.

Totally loving that… then I was charged for my small cone. $5.27. I asked if was laced with opium, which would then explain the euphoria…

Btw:My house is 80% boxed up for the move my kids and I are making across town 4 days after I arrive back home. That means that even though I’ve been packing in a way that would assure that I’m lacking NOTHING for the mission trip, I still had to open 7 sealed boxes.

It is HOURS LATER… plane was delayed by 3 hours. Mechanical trouble. New plane. Herd 60+ kids to oppositeside of airport. Take tram. Tram broke. Had to get off. New tram: Twilight Zone experience. Found plane and sat down on it (seat, not wing).

We landed in San Juan, Costa Rica and are now sitting on the floor with our passports in hand. It’s midnight. Computers went down. We have a 2 hour bus ride ahead of us. And the truth is, we could be in this airport for several hours. On this floor.

Oh My Goodness.

It is now morning.

We arrived at Hotel Bambu @ 3am.

My room is gorgeous. Very simple/utilitarian.

What is this wood on the floor??? And it’s EVERYWHERE! Even the outdoor walkways are wood. The view from my balcony is ridiculously stunning. I can hear critters… and if I listen very carefully, a driving bass line – who brought a boombox???

The air is very thick.

B’fast @ 8:

The coffee at breakfast was the smoothest slick slippery brew I’ve ever tasted in my life. I ate my weight in mango – it was perfect mango.

Every morning at b’fast akid will be giving their faith testimony. That’s pretty sweet – sometimes the choir needs to be sung to!

I think what the kid said this morning is pretty right on thinking for most kids that have spent some years in church and the grown ups they grow up to be.

His struggle is with maintaining a spiritual high. He is hoping to be set on fire during this trip – something sustainable.

As much as we all would like that, we know – those of us who are a little further on the journey – it doesn’t happen. Euphoria is not sustainable.

Instead the journey with God is littered with twists, turns, battles and sometimes even terminal wrecks of faith.

If you make it even further in the journey, you realize the highly coveted ‘euphoria’ you’re sporting has more to do with what you have personally come to know: skin graphs can cov

er the deepest woundings: than the celebration of having maintained dignity thru a bone crushing experience good Christians like to call ‘seasons’.

But that’s just me.

Dpt for church @ 9:

I’m told the entire service is in Spanish. RIGHT ON! Have to leave it to my Spirit.

Cuan Grande es Dios,

Kate

PS: ok. explain THIS!!

Jr High Mission Trip Journal: Learning Lessons

June 24, 2010

7:06 am: in bunk: This is my last day at camp. I head down the mtn tonight so that I can catch a VERY early flight in the morn. The last two nights I’ve sung the girls to sleep with Hung the Moon. Pretty sweet. Tonight all the firefighter guys we’ve been working with are coming to dinner and worship. That’ll be a hoot.

Time for coffee.

June 25, 2010

11:16am: sitting on floor in Denver airport: Yesterday was CRAZY! Just busy. Very good. Worship was AWESOME!!! We were outside again, and I was singing Hung the Moon… when the lyric ‘rest and dream tho I don’t slumber’ came, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BREEZE blew by and shimmied all the sliver dollars. It was AMAZING. If you just closed your eyes you would have SWORN that God was blowing gently on your forehead. SO SO great!

And I had to leave the mountain last night for early flight this morning – up at 5:30 - that was canceled… I was shuttled 2 hours to the Denver airport, where I now sit, and see that my flight has been delayed. AND I left my entire makeup bag at camp. So I look great, and have breath to match!

It was a great trip. I think the best part for me, as a girl, was hanging out with some really great moms – Lee Ann, Becky, Lori and Lucy – that was awesome. Incidentally, they all tried Breathe Right (anti snoring nose prop-er-uper things) I’m just going to say, it wasn’t 100% successful. But that’s ALL I’m going to say.

Can I say OMGoodness about the youth staff – they say the fish stinks from the head back… Well, sort of trade that ‘stink’ for something gorgeous, put the fish head on Tova and BAM. ROCK AND ROLL

And the kids were/are precious. OH MY GOSH I just would not ever be in Jr High again. That was the biggest lesson I learned… don’t need a do-over there. But the friendships that have begun to form are very sweet.

A GREAT GREAT GREAT group of kids.

I also remembered that it is an honor, joy and privilege to be the mom of my radical kids. My own little mission field (swaps out with minefield every now and again) and I wouldn’t trade my spot for all the tea in China!

I am sore and bone weary.

I am PUMPED about the Munger Place Plant Boot Camp this weekend!!

Alright – I’m gonna go find a soda pop. Thanks for following along. I hope you’ve been able to catch a glimpse of something-or-other.

All joy- kate

Jr High Mission Trip Journal: Learning Lessons

June 23, 2010

6:54 am: in bunk: People have risen from the dead. Good news. But even BETTER news is that our Mr Potty up at the worksite gets replaced with a fresh and new one. Now THAT’s happy day – I’m going to have TWO cups of coffee this morning!!!

7:57 pm: just finished worship: Tonight we sat outside in a little amphitheater with multitudinous Aspen and Pine encircling us. We sang Indescribable, Beautiful One, No Rock, and a couple of others, and I thought of my BFF.

Karen is always moved by nature. She is a sunset chaser, a cloud gazer, a tree wonderer and a sky marvel-or. For as long as I’ve known her she has been this way. She works some aspect of nature into nearly every prayer and can often find the answer to life’s little idiot riddles by stopping to look up or out.

As I was pounding out Indescribable I saw what Karen sees.

I was looking around at the forest of Aspens, whose leaves were shimmering like silver dollars. It was very clear they were applauding the last breath of daylight and coming of sunset. And I wondered what bit of God were we getting a peek into as we sat in His sanctuary.

I am so grateful for what God has shared with me.

I’m going to go back up to that spot to touch the Aspen in my reach until the sun dips under the horizon.

I’m going to listen for God – and He is going to hear me say ‘thank you’.

Goodnight Mudda